Yogurt with diced Apple & Cinnamon 105 kcal
No one here in my hometown in my home country seems to notice I lost about 20 lbs/9 kg :(
I’m now 127.5 lbs (height 5’10”) and officially underweight.. Besides that I’m an exchange student and I really wanna finish my year. But unfortunately I might be sent home early if the organization that is in charge of m exchange thinks my eating disorder is severe enough to send me home… And apearantly that’s in most cases inevitable of any mental disorder… So the first thing I gotta do is gain weight… But a part of my mind is not willing to accept that, because that part isn’t happy with my reflection in the mirror and still wants to lose weight.
If you would have told me half a year ago that if I had to chose between eating anything or going home, I would have eaten everything I needed to… But now I seem not to be able to do that :(
How can I finally realize that eating is good, and eating more is even better because I need to gain weight… Or I am more likely to go home… And i DON’T wanna go home :(
Please help me?
Make me realize I’m good enough for who i am, and that that will not depend on how I look or how much I weight…
It feels good to fit back into my size 36(EU)/6(US) shorts again though :)
No no no… 127.5 lbs (height 5’10”) now that I told people about my developing ED I’m gonna be weighed. Yesterday was the first time when I had to get checked at the doctor’s office. Lucky me, it was mid day and I drank 3 bottles of water before going in. So I ended up weighing 136.5 lbs ( which was already about 10 lbs lighter than my last check) but now I’m gonna be weighed again somewhere next week.. And it better be somewhere close to 136 lbs otherwise my exchange year might end sooner than I want to :(
My hands and feet are freezing off :(
Quaker Oatmeal - Apple and Cinnamon (Lower Sugar): 110 kcal
2 slices of Martin’s Whole Wheat Potato Bread: 140 kcal
1/2 tbs of light butter: 25 kcal
1 Kraft Single American Cheese: 70 kcal
2 Slices of Boar’s Head Ham: 36 kcal
1 Plum: 30 kcal
3 oz of Chicken: 138 kcal
1/2 cup of Mashed Potatoes: 85 kcal
1/8 cup of Corn: 18 kcal
Edamame (Soy beans): 40 kcal
Orange: 70 kcal
Total: 762 kcal
1 Mile Run: ~100 kcal
Track and Field Practice: ~300 kcal
Gym: ~50 kcal
Today I decided to talk to my Psychology teacher about my unhealthy relationship with food and my obsession with losing weight. He said he couldn’t really help me with that because he has only studied to be a teacher, and therefor he wanted me to see the School Psychologist. Appearently he also talked to my Guidance Counseler, because when I was waiting for sports she called me into her office. She’s nice, but I didn’t expect her to know… She also told me to see the school psychologist. So I’ll see the school psychologist tomorrow.
I notice I feel even more uncomfortable with more people knowing, because now I’m even more anxious to eat, because I’m afraid they’ll see me eat and say “Oh look, you eat… there’s nothing wrong with you.” And then I’ll even eat less…and that’s of course not what I wanted…
My mind is really a mess…. I guess it’s a good thing I’m seeing the school psychologist tomorrow.