Another Wannabe Skinny Girl

Day 146: Recovery is nowhere near…

Today me and my parents went to 1 of the 3 Eating Disorder Clinics in the Netherlands where they had an Open Day. I was very hard to be there in the first place, and on top of that the never ending discussion between “Normal Me” and “Skinny Me” was louder than ever.

I guess some parts of the Open Day made “Normal Me” stronger…and some parts of the Open Day made “Skinny Me” stronger… for example the fact that it’ll take a “couple of months” (after signing up at the clinic) to get treatment O_o

What will happen in those months?…. A part of me wants to be normal again asap, but another part of me thinks she now has to continue having an ED at least until she’ll be treated :(

Normal Me is strong right now (I notice)… She just came back from a year of non-alcohol/partying in the USA(since I’m 19) and wants to hang out with old friends and have the fun she expected to have when returning home… but Skinny Me is still too strong to let that happen :(

p.s. I’m always open for questions, comments or anything else :)


Food Log

Breakfast
Lu Cracker: 25 kcal
Cheese: 50 kcal
Quaker Oatmeal - Chocolate Chip: 130 kcal

Lunch
1/2 Apple: 35 kcal
3/4 cup of Non-fat Yogurt: 65 kcal
1 tsp Cinnamon: 5 kcal

Snack
0.55 oz Peanut Butter Cup: 72 kcal

Dinner
3.5 oz Beef Tartar: 127 kcal
1 Red Beet: 42 kcal
Sliced Potatoes: 95 kcal

Snack
Tea with Sugar: 16 kcal

Total: 665 kcal 

Day 145: Halfway around the world…

It seems only 4 days ago tht I was forced on a plane from New York back to the Netherlands to get treatment for my ED…. Oh wait… It was only 4 days ago…

Sometimes I wished I didn’t tell my teacher the whole story about how I was afraid I was developing an Eating Disorder, which led to me being sent home early from my High School Exchange Year. But a part of me knows that it was he right choice, because I HAVE an eating disorder and I can’t and don’t want to deny it anymore… I want to get better.

I lot has happened in the past 4 days: I returned home after 9 months in America, my parents realized how bad my ED was, I celebrated my Birthday on Sunday and told my whole family that I came home early because of an ED (during my family Bday party)…

Today me and my mom called the eating disorder clinic that is the closest (considering there are only 3 in the Netherlands there weren’t many options) They asked questions to sign me up and told me that I do need a referral from my doctor’s office to get in, so I’ll be making an appointment tomorrow. When I asked how long it would take to fully sign me in and be done with all the “intake interview” stuff, the answer was about 4-6 weeks…. And that seems like a pretty fucking long time. :(

What will “Normal Me” and “Skinny Me” be up to in those weeks…. I now have the feeling I gotta wait with “getting better” until then…. Which is of course rediculous, but that’s how I feel right now…

I anyone has experience with this, let me know…

Still can’t believe I’m gonna go home early (in a week) after being here for 9 months…

….only because I’ve reached out to people to help me with my ED…

…this feels like such a punishment for my honesty :(

The moment of truth…

…yeah…maybe I should have postponed that moment a little longer. Cause after I started telling people the truth, that I have an ED, only 5 days ago the final conclusion has been made already.

My exchange year will be ended prematurely. I’ll be leaving THIS weekend, while Sunday is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY >:(

 My exchange organisation told me that students with any type of mental disorder are sent home asap… It didn’t even matter that in my home country there will be a 2/3 month waiting list until I can get treatment.

I’m so angry with myself for telling people about my ED… I wish I kept my mouth shut :’( 

Day 137

Weight: 127.5 lbs
Height: 5’10”

Breakfast
1 cup of Kellog’s Two Scoops Raisin Bran: 180 kcal
1/2 cup of nonfat milk: 40 kcal

Snack
Strawberry Fruit Strip: 45 kcal

Lunch
3 pieces of sushi California Roll: 96 kcal
1/2 Green Beans: 20 kcal
5 pieces of Popcorn Chicken: 154 kcal

Binge
10 pieces of Planters Deluxe Mixed Nuts: 68 kcal
2 tbsp of Peanut Butter: 190 kcal
1 Apple: 72 kcal
2 tbsp Land O Lakes Light Whipped Cream: 15 kcal
2 tbsp Cool Whip: 20 kcal
4 Cocoa Roasted Almonds: 38 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Ham: 20 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Turkey: 20 kcal

Dinner
Yoplait Light - Strawberry Shortcake: 110 kcal
1 tsp Nestle Semisweet Mini Chocolate Chips: 23 kcal
0.05 cup of Low Fat Granola: 19 kcal

Total: 1110 kcal

I feel weird for binging and not purging, though that is of course a GOOD THING!…but “Skinny Me” doesn’t see it that way. Neither does she like that I ate far above what she normally allows me to eat… But meanwhile “Normal Me” is telling me that I even need to gain weight and that I should actually eat anything I want… (Because I need to be at “healthy weight” for my next weigh in, which will probably this week)

But for some reason I can’t seem to do that, because whenever I look in the mirror I’m still not happy with what I see and I still think “I should loose some weight” =/

Help me…

I’m now 127.5 lbs (height 5’10”) and officially underweight.. Besides that I’m an exchange student and I really wanna finish my year. But unfortunately I might be sent home early if the organization that is in charge of m exchange thinks my eating disorder is severe enough to send me home… And apearantly that’s in most cases inevitable of any mental disorder… So the first thing I gotta do is gain weight… But a part of my mind is not willing to accept that, because that part isn’t happy with my reflection in the mirror and still wants to lose weight.

If you would have told me half a year ago that if I had to chose between eating anything or going home, I would have eaten everything I needed to… But now I seem not to be able to do that :(
How can I finally realize that eating is good, and eating more is even better because I need to gain weight… Or I am more likely to go home… And i DON’T wanna go home :(

Please help me?
Make me realize I’m good enough for who i am, and that that will not depend on how I look or how much I weight…
Help me?

Wondering if I made the right choice…

… By telling all these people around me about my developing eating disorder…

Maybe my exchange organization will send me home…. Everything is so uncertain now :(

And it’s not that I don’t eat, I eat quite normal, but I’m still SO HUNGRY! … all the time :(

Day 134: What will the future hold for me?…

Breakfast
11 Wheat Thins Crackers: 89 kcal
Small Apple: 55 kcal

Snack
1/8 cup of Mountain Trail Mix: 80 kcal
5 large Strawberries: 29 kcal

Lunch
2 slices of Martin’s Whole Wheat Bread: 140 kcal
2 slices of Boar’s Head Ham: 40 kcal
Butter: 25 kcal 

Pre-Workout Snack
Kraft Milk Bite: 130 kcal

Dinner
Smart Ones - Creamy Rigatoni With Broccoli & Chicken: 280 kcal

Total: 868 kcal

Exercise
Track and Field Practice: ~440 kcal
 
Today I talked to the school psychologist, my real mom, AND my host mom. The school psychologist said I definitely can’t wait 45 days till I go back home and I needed professional treatment asap. My real mom is now checking my food logs on MyFitnessPal and wants me to be back at 1200 kcal asap (but that easier said than done)… And my host mom, she didn’t know yet… and I had to tell her that I had developed an eating disorder. I was afraid to tell her, but what I never expected was to hear her story about how she was bulimic as a teenager and needed treatment for it. So the first thing she agreed on was that I needed treatment asap. Overall, I think she took it quite well… I guess the worst part about telling my host mom was the fact the she IS gonna get in contact with my Coordinator from the Exchange Organisation that I’m with. The Coordinator will most likely contact the Main Office…and what will happen then I don’t even wanna know. The last thing I want is going home early without even experiencing Prom and Graduation :(

For now my future is very uncertain… and in the hands of others =/
I hope this has a happy ending… 

Today I had another talk with the school psychologist and she officially established I have an ED and need professional help…
Tonight I gotta tell my hostmom (since I’m an exchange student).. I’m really afraid of how she’s gonna react. Wish me luck.