I used to love food! …but I can’t even enjoy it anymore :( With every bite I take I think “How many calories is this?” and whenever I’m finished I’m only left with this guilty feeling for eating whatever it is I ate… but you know what… I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE! I wanna go back to loving food and, most importantly, ENJOYING IT!
Tonight I’m not counting any calories… I’m now strong enough to do this, so tonight I’ll go out and let myself go. I’m not gonna let “Skinny Me” win, tonight is my night!
Cause it’s a battle I’m GONNA win!
Or anything that will help me battle “Skinny Me” and get rid of this ED… cause I don’t wanna live like this anymore!
I just need to look for things to make “Normal Me” stronger, anything is welcome!
Today me and my parents went to 1 of the 3 Eating Disorder Clinics in the Netherlands where they had an Open Day. I was very hard to be there in the first place, and on top of that the never ending discussion between “Normal Me” and “Skinny Me” was louder than ever.
I guess some parts of the Open Day made “Normal Me” stronger…and some parts of the Open Day made “Skinny Me” stronger… for example the fact that it’ll take a “couple of months” (after signing up at the clinic) to get treatment O_o
What will happen in those months?…. A part of me wants to be normal again asap, but another part of me thinks she now has to continue having an ED at least until she’ll be treated :(
Normal Me is strong right now (I notice)… She just came back from a year of non-alcohol/partying in the USA(since I’m 19) and wants to hang out with old friends and have the fun she expected to have when returning home… but Skinny Me is still too strong to let that happen :(
p.s. I’m always open for questions, comments or anything else :)
Food Log
Breakfast
Lu Cracker: 25 kcal
Cheese: 50 kcal
Quaker Oatmeal - Chocolate Chip: 130 kcal
Lunch
1/2 Apple: 35 kcal
3/4 cup of Non-fat Yogurt: 65 kcal
1 tsp Cinnamon: 5 kcal
Snack
0.55 oz Peanut Butter Cup: 72 kcal
Dinner
3.5 oz Beef Tartar: 127 kcal
1 Red Beet: 42 kcal
Sliced Potatoes: 95 kcal
Snack
Tea with Sugar: 16 kcal
Total: 665 kcal
It seems only 4 days ago tht I was forced on a plane from New York back to the Netherlands to get treatment for my ED…. Oh wait… It was only 4 days ago…
Sometimes I wished I didn’t tell my teacher the whole story about how I was afraid I was developing an Eating Disorder, which led to me being sent home early from my High School Exchange Year. But a part of me knows that it was he right choice, because I HAVE an eating disorder and I can’t and don’t want to deny it anymore… I want to get better.
I lot has happened in the past 4 days: I returned home after 9 months in America, my parents realized how bad my ED was, I celebrated my Birthday on Sunday and told my whole family that I came home early because of an ED (during my family Bday party)…
Today me and my mom called the eating disorder clinic that is the closest (considering there are only 3 in the Netherlands there weren’t many options) They asked questions to sign me up and told me that I do need a referral from my doctor’s office to get in, so I’ll be making an appointment tomorrow. When I asked how long it would take to fully sign me in and be done with all the “intake interview” stuff, the answer was about 4-6 weeks…. And that seems like a pretty fucking long time. :(
What will “Normal Me” and “Skinny Me” be up to in those weeks…. I now have the feeling I gotta wait with “getting better” until then…. Which is of course rediculous, but that’s how I feel right now…
I anyone has experience with this, let me know…
I hate my brother hanging around downstairs, cause I really don’t like to eat in front of him :(
But I still need to have breakfast…
My parents say that if I want to recover from my ED ( and I do want to) I need to stop counting my calories, because they say I’m obsessed with them. What do you think?
No one here in my hometown in my home country seems to notice I lost about 20 lbs/9 kg :(
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