Ghost
Yogurt with diced Apple & Cinnamon  105 kcal
180 ml or 3/4 cup of Non-fat Yogurt: 65 kcal
1/2 medium Apple: 35 kcal
1 tsp of Cinnamon: 5 kcal
ENJOY ^_^ 

Yogurt with diced Apple & Cinnamon  105 kcal

  • 180 ml or 3/4 cup of Non-fat Yogurt: 65 kcal
  • 1/2 medium Apple: 35 kcal
  • 1 tsp of Cinnamon: 5 kcal


ENJOY ^_^ 

No one here in my hometown in my home country seems to notice I lost about 20 lbs/9 kg :(

Day 137

Weight: 127.5 lbs
Height: 5’10”

Breakfast
1 cup of Kellog’s Two Scoops Raisin Bran: 180 kcal
1/2 cup of nonfat milk: 40 kcal

Snack
Strawberry Fruit Strip: 45 kcal

Lunch
3 pieces of sushi California Roll: 96 kcal
1/2 Green Beans: 20 kcal
5 pieces of Popcorn Chicken: 154 kcal

Binge
10 pieces of Planters Deluxe Mixed Nuts: 68 kcal
2 tbsp of Peanut Butter: 190 kcal
1 Apple: 72 kcal
2 tbsp Land O Lakes Light Whipped Cream: 15 kcal
2 tbsp Cool Whip: 20 kcal
4 Cocoa Roasted Almonds: 38 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Ham: 20 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Turkey: 20 kcal

Dinner
Yoplait Light - Strawberry Shortcake: 110 kcal
1 tsp Nestle Semisweet Mini Chocolate Chips: 23 kcal
0.05 cup of Low Fat Granola: 19 kcal

Total: 1110 kcal

I feel weird for binging and not purging, though that is of course a GOOD THING!…but “Skinny Me” doesn’t see it that way. Neither does she like that I ate far above what she normally allows me to eat… But meanwhile “Normal Me” is telling me that I even need to gain weight and that I should actually eat anything I want… (Because I need to be at “healthy weight” for my next weigh in, which will probably this week)

But for some reason I can’t seem to do that, because whenever I look in the mirror I’m still not happy with what I see and I still think “I should loose some weight” =/

Help me…

I’m now 127.5 lbs (height 5’10”) and officially underweight.. Besides that I’m an exchange student and I really wanna finish my year. But unfortunately I might be sent home early if the organization that is in charge of m exchange thinks my eating disorder is severe enough to send me home… And apearantly that’s in most cases inevitable of any mental disorder… So the first thing I gotta do is gain weight… But a part of my mind is not willing to accept that, because that part isn’t happy with my reflection in the mirror and still wants to lose weight.

If you would have told me half a year ago that if I had to chose between eating anything or going home, I would have eaten everything I needed to… But now I seem not to be able to do that :(
How can I finally realize that eating is good, and eating more is even better because I need to gain weight… Or I am more likely to go home… And i DON’T wanna go home :(

Please help me?
Make me realize I’m good enough for who i am, and that that will not depend on how I look or how much I weight…
Help me?

It feels good to fit back into my size 36(EU)/6(US) shorts again though :)

It feels good to fit back into my size 36(EU)/6(US) shorts again though :)

The weight keeps going down…

No no no… 127.5 lbs (height 5’10”) now that I told people about my developing ED I’m gonna be weighed. Yesterday was the first time when I had to get checked at the doctor’s office. Lucky me, it was mid day and I drank 3 bottles of water before going in. So I ended up weighing 136.5 lbs ( which was already about 10 lbs lighter than my last check) but now I’m gonna be weighed again somewhere next week.. And it better be somewhere close to 136 lbs otherwise my exchange year might end sooner than I want to :(

Day 134: What will the future hold for me?…

Breakfast
11 Wheat Thins Crackers: 89 kcal
Small Apple: 55 kcal

Snack
1/8 cup of Mountain Trail Mix: 80 kcal
5 large Strawberries: 29 kcal

Lunch
2 slices of Martin’s Whole Wheat Bread: 140 kcal
2 slices of Boar’s Head Ham: 40 kcal
Butter: 25 kcal 

Pre-Workout Snack
Kraft Milk Bite: 130 kcal

Dinner
Smart Ones - Creamy Rigatoni With Broccoli & Chicken: 280 kcal

Total: 868 kcal

Exercise
Track and Field Practice: ~440 kcal
 
Today I talked to the school psychologist, my real mom, AND my host mom. The school psychologist said I definitely can’t wait 45 days till I go back home and I needed professional treatment asap. My real mom is now checking my food logs on MyFitnessPal and wants me to be back at 1200 kcal asap (but that easier said than done)… And my host mom, she didn’t know yet… and I had to tell her that I had developed an eating disorder. I was afraid to tell her, but what I never expected was to hear her story about how she was bulimic as a teenager and needed treatment for it. So the first thing she agreed on was that I needed treatment asap. Overall, I think she took it quite well… I guess the worst part about telling my host mom was the fact the she IS gonna get in contact with my Coordinator from the Exchange Organisation that I’m with. The Coordinator will most likely contact the Main Office…and what will happen then I don’t even wanna know. The last thing I want is going home early without even experiencing Prom and Graduation :(

For now my future is very uncertain… and in the hands of others =/
I hope this has a happy ending… 

  • Mom: we're gonna go out to get Ice cream, can I get you anything?
  • Me: No, thank you ^_^
  • My mind: YES... Let me think.... EVERYTHING!

Add me on MyFitnessPal :)

NatasPV

Day 132

Breakfast
Jell-O Sugar Free Creme Brulee Rice Pudding: 70 kcal

Snack
Apple: 72 kcal

Lunch
1 Slice of Martin’s Whole Wheat Bread: 70 kcal 
3 slices of Boar’s Head Turkey: 53 kcal
1/2 tbs Light Butter: 25 kcal

Snack
6 Baby Carrots: 21 kcal

Dinner
3 pieces of Sushi California Roll: 120 kcal
1/2 cup of White Rice: 103 kcal
1/3 cup of Chili: 102 kcal

Snack
2 pieces of cubed Pineapple: 20 kcal

Total: 656 kcal

Exercise
Track & Field Practice: ~300 kcal

Today was not a good day. I hardly ate enough to survive my practice and it was of course no wonder that I almost blacked out… Today I was supposed to see the school Psychologist, but she was out because she broke her toe. Now I’ll probably talk to her tomorrow. But for some reason, telling my Psychology teacher and Guidance Counseler about my “unhealthy relationship with food” didn’t do anything good for my “relationship”. I’m now even more afraid that people see me eat, because of what they’ll think… And on top of that I had a special dinner party tonight which I could absolutely not enjoy because of my preoccupation with food. I had to eat something, cause if I wouldn’t people would have noticed. But I managed to eat much less by saying I got nauseous from practice…and everyone seemed fine with that. Dessert time was killing me, because it was heaven right in front of me but I didn’t allow myself any of it, afraid of a binge that might have ended in purging… I hope all of this gets any better after I talked with the psychologist, because now I feel torn between these two sides in me… and it makes me so tired…and hungry… :(

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