I used to love food! …but I can’t even enjoy it anymore :( With every bite I take I think “How many calories is this?” and whenever I’m finished I’m only left with this guilty feeling for eating whatever it is I ate… but you know what… I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE! I wanna go back to loving food and, most importantly, ENJOYING IT!
Today me and my parents went to 1 of the 3 Eating Disorder Clinics in the Netherlands where they had an Open Day. I was very hard to be there in the first place, and on top of that the never ending discussion between “Normal Me” and “Skinny Me” was louder than ever.
I guess some parts of the Open Day made “Normal Me” stronger…and some parts of the Open Day made “Skinny Me” stronger… for example the fact that it’ll take a “couple of months” (after signing up at the clinic) to get treatment O_o
What will happen in those months?…. A part of me wants to be normal again asap, but another part of me thinks she now has to continue having an ED at least until she’ll be treated :(
Normal Me is strong right now (I notice)… She just came back from a year of non-alcohol/partying in the USA(since I’m 19) and wants to hang out with old friends and have the fun she expected to have when returning home… but Skinny Me is still too strong to let that happen :(
p.s. I’m always open for questions, comments or anything else :)
Food Log
Breakfast
Lu Cracker: 25 kcal
Cheese: 50 kcal
Quaker Oatmeal - Chocolate Chip: 130 kcal
Lunch
1/2 Apple: 35 kcal
3/4 cup of Non-fat Yogurt: 65 kcal
1 tsp Cinnamon: 5 kcal
Snack
0.55 oz Peanut Butter Cup: 72 kcal
Dinner
3.5 oz Beef Tartar: 127 kcal
1 Red Beet: 42 kcal
Sliced Potatoes: 95 kcal
Snack
Tea with Sugar: 16 kcal
Total: 665 kcal
Yogurt with diced Apple & Cinnamon 105 kcal
ENJOY ^_^
My parents say that if I want to recover from my ED ( and I do want to) I need to stop counting my calories, because they say I’m obsessed with them. What do you think?
Weight: 127.5 lbs
Height: 5’10”
Breakfast
1 cup of Kellog’s Two Scoops Raisin Bran: 180 kcal
1/2 cup of nonfat milk: 40 kcal
Snack
Strawberry Fruit Strip: 45 kcal
Lunch
3 pieces of sushi California Roll: 96 kcal
1/2 Green Beans: 20 kcal
5 pieces of Popcorn Chicken: 154 kcal
Binge
10 pieces of Planters Deluxe Mixed Nuts: 68 kcal
2 tbsp of Peanut Butter: 190 kcal
1 Apple: 72 kcal
2 tbsp Land O Lakes Light Whipped Cream: 15 kcal
2 tbsp Cool Whip: 20 kcal
4 Cocoa Roasted Almonds: 38 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Ham: 20 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Turkey: 20 kcal
Dinner
Yoplait Light - Strawberry Shortcake: 110 kcal
1 tsp Nestle Semisweet Mini Chocolate Chips: 23 kcal
0.05 cup of Low Fat Granola: 19 kcal
Total: 1110 kcal
I feel weird for binging and not purging, though that is of course a GOOD THING!…but “Skinny Me” doesn’t see it that way. Neither does she like that I ate far above what she normally allows me to eat… But meanwhile “Normal Me” is telling me that I even need to gain weight and that I should actually eat anything I want… (Because I need to be at “healthy weight” for my next weigh in, which will probably this week)
But for some reason I can’t seem to do that, because whenever I look in the mirror I’m still not happy with what I see and I still think “I should loose some weight” =/
… By telling all these people around me about my developing eating disorder…
Maybe my exchange organization will send me home…. Everything is so uncertain now :(
And it’s not that I don’t eat, I eat quite normal, but I’m still SO HUNGRY! … all the time :(
Breakfast
11 Wheat Thins Crackers: 89 kcal
Small Apple: 55 kcal
Snack
1/8 cup of Mountain Trail Mix: 80 kcal
5 large Strawberries: 29 kcal
Lunch
2 slices of Martin’s Whole Wheat Bread: 140 kcal
2 slices of Boar’s Head Ham: 40 kcal
Butter: 25 kcal
Pre-Workout Snack
Kraft Milk Bite: 130 kcal
Dinner
Smart Ones - Creamy Rigatoni With Broccoli & Chicken: 280 kcal
Total: 868 kcal
Exercise
Track and Field Practice: ~440 kcal
Today I talked to the school psychologist, my real mom, AND my host mom. The school psychologist said I definitely can’t wait 45 days till I go back home and I needed professional treatment asap. My real mom is now checking my food logs on MyFitnessPal and wants me to be back at 1200 kcal asap (but that easier said than done)… And my host mom, she didn’t know yet… and I had to tell her that I had developed an eating disorder. I was afraid to tell her, but what I never expected was to hear her story about how she was bulimic as a teenager and needed treatment for it. So the first thing she agreed on was that I needed treatment asap. Overall, I think she took it quite well… I guess the worst part about telling my host mom was the fact the she IS gonna get in contact with my Coordinator from the Exchange Organisation that I’m with. The Coordinator will most likely contact the Main Office…and what will happen then I don’t even wanna know. The last thing I want is going home early without even experiencing Prom and Graduation :(
For now my future is very uncertain… and in the hands of others =/
I hope this has a happy ending…
Breakfast
2 Strawberries: 12 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Ham: 20 kcal
1 Plum: 30 kcal
Snack
1/3 Banana: 32 kcal
1/8 cup of Trail Mix: 80 kcal
Lunch
Fiber One Chewy Bar: 90 kcal
1 slice of Boar’s Head Ham: 20 kcal
Breakstone’s 2% Milkfat Cottage Cheese Cup: 90 kcal
Dinner
Meatloaf: 210 kcal
1/2 cup of Mashed Potatoes: 119 kcal
1 cup of Broccoli: 30 kcal
Snack
Keurig - Cafe Mocha: 60 kcal
Total: 793 kcal
Today I finally saw the school psychologist and after telling her my story she came to the conclusion I need help from professionals. Since I’m an exchange student and I’m going back home in 1.5 month/47 days I asked her if I could wait till i got home, and she said if I would continue like this I couldn’t wait. I figured out that my insurance only covers treatment for eating disorders up to $1000… so when I tell her this tomorrow I’ll know if I can get any kind of treatment within my insurance for that…otherwise we’ll have to figure something else out. Telling all these people about my unhealthy relationship with food does make me more anxious to eat, ESPECIALLY around other people. I’m afraid they’ll see me eat and say/think: “Oh look, she’s eating…there’s nothing wrong with her.” I’m afraid people who don’t have experiences with ED’s think that people with anorexia and/or bulimia don’t eat at all…which is not true in my case…but I know for sure that my eating habits and especially my way of thinking are anything but normal…. and I don’t what that anymore!
NatasPV
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